Two lives
I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked - Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar
There are two kinds of lives.
Photo by Дмитрий Хрусталев-Григорьев on Unsplash
In one, you will find me at St Jacobs, not the church, the farmer’s market early Saturday afternoon. I’m home but not alone, oatmeal with blueberries, salami for my sandwich, a sprig of kale and arugula pre-smoothie. In this life I am like my oatmeal, whole and not wanting, content without being a creator. I read what I want to, not what the voice in my head tells me I should want to. Two days later I remember nothing, my friends on Goodreads never find out. I only code for fun. It rarely is. My aunt wants to share sweaters knit with hands and bracelets made for friendship with the world. I begin again, the magic comes back. In this life, I still do not know how to play the guitar. I don’t do the math, but at one chord a week, my estimated time to learn a song is when I turn 30. I can wait. After all, I am an airbender. The I who typed the last sentence is not the I who types this one.
My friends say I am a dog, not a cat, and I guess they are right, because I only have one more life.
At first glance, my first and second lives are hard to tell apart.
But there is a difference.
I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet. - Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar
One of them is fantasy.
The other is imagined - it comes with self-enacted drama, a messiah complex, and a severe case of snowflake syndrome. It lives within, and narrates the story that plays out — study Engineering (✅), work in Big Tech (❌), found a VC-backed startup (❌).
It tells me that the best way for me to have an impact is to invest in myself, and that means landing a lucrative job at a FAANG out of college, and eventually founding a B2B SaaS/fintech firm with my co-founders. Then, once I have made a boat load of money, I will magically receive a revelation that spells out how I can use my newfound wealth to fix the world’s greatest problems.
I hate to be abrupt, but it’s 5AM, and I’m tired. Until next time.